In the spirit of bettering myself and keeping myself accountable, i want to put out some thoughts that have been pounding through my mind for the past couple of months.
As my last relationship came to an end, it was made clear that i had a lot of shit to deal with regarding relationships. As i looked critically at the ways that my principles did not match up with my actions, i began to recognize a pattern of abuse and manipulation that i have carried out in each relationship that i’ve been a part of.
For years i have thought of myself as a radical feminist. I’ve facilitated numerous workshops including a number of them that fall into the category of creating healthy, consensual relationships. It was because of this work and because of my radical genderQueer self-identification that i subconsciously felt i was above the patterns of abuse in relatioships. So you can imagine how shocked and hurt i was to hear someone i love say that our relationship was an abusive one.
I defined abuse in a way that was convenient and comfortable for me (even if it wasn’t so comfortable for others). I believed that because i respected the word ‘NO’, because i could not conceive of hitting someone i love, because i knew the languge of consent i could not possibly be carrying out the patterns of abuse that i had been taught. I was wrong.
I have begun to recognize the rampant, consistent, and destructive (though often very subtle) campaign of emotional abuse that i have carried out against partners (genderQueer, female, and male alike). I’m beginning to see how i have used my own inability to deal with and process my own emotions as a way to coerce and control. I often expect my partners to be my emotional processing plant - an empty receptical. When it is convenient, i have used my battle with depression as a way to push away and pull in other people. I have coerced people into staying with me by subtling suggesting/threatening suicide. I often shut down emotionally with others as a way to gain sympathy and coerce.
And these are just some of the patterns i’ve begun to recognize. I’m also coming to realize how i carrying out these same patterns within other relationships (with friends, family, etc). This shit is heavy. It weighs on my heart, but i’m glad that i’ve begun to recognize it. I’m glad that i’m able to write about it now because i want nothing more than to stop this pattern. I want to reconnect that praxis where healthy and consensual relationships can take place. Its long, hard work and i’m thankful to the people who have begun to help me along in this process.
I look forward to the work ahead. And i can’t thank M enough for calling me out on my shit. It took a lot of courage and a lot of love. I want to return that love by passing it on to any future partners i may have. Thank you. I’m blessed to have known you.
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Thanks for this.
I think that one of the places of revolution our communities have yet to shift/embrace fully are revolutions of the heart and psyche that have the power to free us from some of the cycles we’ve been perpetuating inside our chosen families and inside our relationships.
The work is horrifying. The idea of turning mirrors around on ourselves after building our consciousnesses on holding the mirror for others is so painfully uncomfortable.
When I have to do it, I feel icky and exposed. I feel child-like and silly. It’s not my power place, though there’s (personal) power there I want to embrace safely.
All this to say…
It is possible for us to shift dynamics in queer relationships and not model fucked up behaviours to future generations. Thanks again for being willing to expose some of your shit and struggle.
No, thank you, darkdaughta. This post has sat in edit mode for days now and immediately after publishing it i thought to delete it. My first thought this morning was to come delete this post. It is hard to expose ourselves like this, but it is also necessary. So thanks for helping me to have the courage not to erase this and to keep it out there so that, hopefully, my struggle will also be the struggle of others.
Trust me…everyone I know is definitely right there alonside you. It’s isolating for us. I mean…the only person who cheers the members of my chosen family/intentional community on as we tussle with our various traumas, fucked up coping skills and messy interpersonal dynamics is my partner’s mother who, like most of us, is in counselling. There’s just not enough support.
I had to smile when you said you’d considered not posting this. I have a daily struggle with my community members over writing more and using their blogs as places where they can reflect. Too much of our personal work is hidden away. I mean…do you know if Angela Davis goes to a therapist or if Gloria Stienem sees an analyst? Naw.
It’s so important for folks who read us to know what we’re struggling with. It makes us more human, but also allow others who are hurting and confused to see how really common the shit they’re struggling with and may want to hide away, really is.