or, The US Government’s Anti-Racism Policy

Remember the Red Scare? Sure you do. It was that gay old time in our youth when all the commies were hunted down like the scum they are. Well, turns out all the scum have been killed (or quietly turned into god-fearing capitalists without them even knowing). So the good ol’ boys started getting bored. Sure, it was fun to take a decade off so that we could sit around in our underwear and poke fun at the yellow-bellied liberals, but its time to get back to work and start ridding the world of all those tree-huggin, sun-worshipin, no bath-takin, pagans.

You see, we live in a time of terror. These days you can’t even take your dog on a walk without first checking to make sure that “man’s best friend” hasn’t laced the leash with some biochemical agent. But attacking all these brown folks has been costing the good ol’ boys a few votes among people of color. So we decided that it was time to implement a new anti-racist, anti-terrorism program. We call it Operation Backfire. Good stuff, eh?

Instead of trying to bring back the old Red Scare, we decided to give it a paint job - domestic policy Pimp My Ride style. The threat of commies has been neutralized. The real problem now (outside of those Arabs), are the eco-terrorists. According to the disciples of Ayn Rand, eco-terrorists aren’t just tree-huggers, they also wish to turn all humyns into naked animals crawling on all fours and barking like dogs. I ain’t no dog! In 30 years of actions claimed by the Animal Liberation Front and the Earth Liberation Front, millions of dollars in property has been destroyed, thousands of animals have been stolen from labs, released from fur farms, and taken from barns - that’s invaluable research that makes sure my favorite cereals won’t cause needles to leap into my eyes.

[but nobody has ever been injured]

OH SHUT UP, YOU GODDAMN TERRORIST! These people must be stopped. Therefore, we are placing the Earth Liberation Front, Animal Liberation Front, Food Not Bombs, and all Indymedia Centers at the top of our list. From now on they will known as THE GREATEST THREAT TO DOMESTIC SECURITY! Do you hear me, people? Those angry, dirty kids serving free hippie shit in that downtown park aren’t some lost suburbanites who need your help, they are fucking terrorists who deserve to rot in a cold prison cell.

So remember, green is the new red. You’re either with us or a guinness.