Sexy is subjective. It is fluid. But is it exclusive? If you were to look up sexy in a dictionary, you would find something like “arousing or tending to arouse sexual desire or interest (American Heritage).” Talk about about encompassing. Our sexual desires are unique. Sure, they are greatly influenced by our socialization, by the media images we see, by the normalization of certain bodies as sexy, but still we maintain differences in what arouses our sexual desires. So why is it that so many of us are taught that sexiness is an unattainable goal? Fat people, people with disabilities, trans people, and so many others internalize the belief that we do not and possibly cannot arouse sexual interest in others. We just aren’t sexy. I’m curious to know what is the purpose for this socialization? What are the effects on those deemed unsexy? How do our differing desires break down those barriers? And how can we learn to view those unique desires as persynally liberating?
First, we must think about what we persynally define as sexy. Now look at how that definition is unique to and shaped by cultural influence. Now let’s look at what is normalized as sexy in the US and what is being globalized as sexy through media images and marketing.
Looking at persynal preference, we will find a variety of ideals of sexiness - is it the size of the eyes? of the hips? of the breasts? of the arms and chest? amount of body hair? intelligence? length of legs? thickness of thighs? thickness of waist? sense of humor? attitude? social status? hair color? clothing? eye color? size of the nose? shoulder width? hair length? body odor? height? gender? skin color? genitalia? clothing? what? We rarely define sexiness based on one characteristic. Instead, we combine our tastes to create sexiness in our mind. Its a persynal construction which we often allow to be dominated by an external social construct. What is that external construct? First, its culture. Cultural upbringing and heritage can help determine what attributes we find sexy. Individually, cultures define sexual desire by many different standards which often conflict with the dominant or other cultures. But let’s look at the dominant culture in the US (and that which is being globalized as the norm). This culture is heteronormative, so we are taught only to look at people perceived to be of the “opposite” sex/gender to be sexy. We learn that sexiness is equated with thinness, muscle tone, a lack of body hair, ‘flawless’ skin, white teeth, able-bodied, expensive clothes, upper-middle to upper class social status and more. If you were to combine all of them together to create a culturally ideal body, it would be virtually impossible to replicate naturally. Thus we develop eating disorders, undergo plastic surgery, consume billions of dollars in cosmetics, wax, shave, laser-off or chemically remove our body hair, dye the hair on our head, participate in organ-damaging fad diets, pump ourselves full of drugs, and so forth. In essence, we come to believe that if we cannot naturally create such a body then we must do what nature cannot and mold ourselves into perfection through massive consumption. I am not judging anyone who partakes in any of these activities. I have and do participate in several myself. And i do feel that we can participate in such activities in the context of persynal expression and liberation. But is that what the majority of us are doing? And where do we draw that dividing line? I’ll leave that for further discussion.
Although the dominant culture has not been completely successful at wiping out persynal and cultural differences in desire and arousal, it has made great strides at normalizing notions of sexiness not only in the US but throughout the world. Media and advertising campaigns are exporting standards of arousal/beauty into every market they can reach. But why?
Let’s go back to what happens when we normalize a standard of sexiness that is naturally unattainable. We begin to look at ourselves not as uniquely sexy and beautiful, but as manifestations of countless flaws. And when sexiness is marketed as a purely physical notion, we view ourselves as imperfect physical objects rather than unique, complex subjects. Objects are easy to exploit. They have no sense of self-worth or self-power. Objects are paradoxically communized individuals containing no sense of community or collective power and yet no notion of individuality. Objects are simply matter to be molded, reconfigured, moved, and exploited at will. Subjects, on the otherhand, are a threat to hierarchical power structures. Subjects recognize their individuality but also maintain a sense of collectivity. Subjects are not controlled by outside forces, but rather control their own lives and shape the world around them. So we can see that it is in the best interest of those that wish to gain or maintain power-over to create a world of objects or objectified people. A sure-fire way to do this is to normalize insecurity, pathologize notions of normal (this goes beyond just beauty and sexiness), and create societies where everyone is judging everyone else on the backdrop of unattainable norms and ideals.
Yet despite the normalization of beauty and sexiness, we continue to resist in small ways by creating our own definitions. But where we find liberation is not in how we define other people’s sexiness, but how we are able to define ourselves as sexy. It is only ourselves, through our own sense of self-worth and power that we are able to become active subjects in our world. So no matter how much we are aroused by those outside the norms, if we are unable to view ourselves as sexy and beautiful then we are forever doomed into a world of disempowered objectification. We learn to accept the externalization of who defines us. Thus giving up our power to someone or something outside of ourselves.
So as we find those resistant notions of sexiness in others - hairy bodies, passionate discussion, soft bellies, body fat, a sense of self, whatever it may be for you - we must spend just as much time reflecting back at how we create and embody sexiness. Yes, we may use props or body modification to play with sexiness. But its not the lipstick or the shaved legs or the working out that make you sexy. Its you. You are sexy. You’re belief that you are sexy is what makes you sexy. Its your power, your self-worth, you. Know it. Carry it. Flaunt it. We must not continue to allow others to define us or we will be destroyed. Don’t act sexy, be sexy. Touch yourself. Talk to others like you know you got it. Write about your sexiness, even if you don’t show it to anyone else. Take pictures of yourself or of you with a lover. You can burn them when you’re done, i don’t care. But resist a culture that tells you that you aren’t sexy enough to be naked, to be touched, to touch yourself, to be desired, to be needed. You are.
Photo courtesy of NoFauxxx.com.[tags]Big Fat Carnival[/tags]
The violation and neglect by the Mexican State of the international agreements and conventions against the discrimination, abuse and practice of violence against women.
