i just got off the phone with a very sardonic friend of mine. she’s one of my most favorite people in the world partly because she is so hilarious. so in our conversation of real world depressingness, we decided that the answer must be in religion. but since neither of us have found that religion which actualy answers the questions we have, we decided to make our own religions which would help to explain the world around us.

i started my relgion by stating that you can only get married to people of the same gender. then i decided that was blasphemy and that you can only get married to turtles (my friend deemed this turdiality). then i decided that the holy day was tuesday cuz i didn’t feel like working tomorrow (now today). and instead of working on the holy day, you must make-out. all day from sunrise to sunset. my friend asked what if you need to take a nap. i answered that you had better fall asleep with your lips locked together because my god is a vengeful god. this is when my friend decided that my religion was a fantasy and didn’t apply to the world around us. so she, being the sole prophet of her religion, deemed the following:

• everyone must drive an SUV
• there must be a gas station on all four sides of every house (this was when i realized that her religion made sense because you never know when you are going to run out of gas and you never know from which direction you’ll be driving home. and the motto of this new religion is be prepared. so i converted.)
• everyone must watch at least four hours of tv and two movies a day (at least two of those hours of television must be spent watching Fox, but watching The Simpons, Family Guy, or Malcolm in the Middle do not count towards your hours)
• if you are thirsty, eat a steak
• all pricing will be done by weight (the heavier you are the more you pay), race (the darker you are the more you pay; i decided we would have a “skin tone card” to set standards for pricing), eye-color (my friend doesn’t like blue eyes, so fuck you blue-eyed folks), hair color (sorry, blondie), and the lenth of your middle toe (for every millimeter longer that your middle toe is to your big toe, you pay x amount more).

this last part really made sense to me and explained a lot about how the world works. After all, its all about choices. if you want to pay less, then you can choose to pay less by losing weight, bleeching your skin, coloring your hair, wearing colored contacts, cutting off your middle toe, and so forth. see, choices. that’s life. that’s democracy. that’s what this world is about. are you making the right choices or are you a lazy bum that complains all the time? yeah, that’s what i thought.

my friend said that she was gonna work out some of the details of the religion and get back to me. i’ll keep you updated so that you don’t burn in hell, you amoral lazy fuck.