You know those moments in your life when things just shift? Like something in your core was off, keeping you from happiness and attaining your persynal goals, and all of a sudden the pieces of your life just start shifting into place.

As you may have noticed, i haven’t been blogging much the past couple of weeks. It was partially because i got so sick of dealing with more trolls than positive comments, but mostly it was because i was feeling a disconnect between my blogging and what i wanted to create in my life. I made the decision last week that i was going to spend less time blogging about sad and depressing things and more time focusing on what is being created that i want to emulate and how to create such things. But i was still unsure as to what that kind of blogging meant. I just didn’t seem to have the energy for it.

Then i attended the Allied Media Conference and hung out with skyscraper, nubian, and brownfemipower. Talk about an energizing weekend. The timing couldn’t have been better. I had been questioning whether i even wanted to continue blogging or if, perhaps, it was yet another way of diverting my time and energy from what it is that i really want to be doing. But the weekend allowed me to view blogging as a means for social change. One thing that i got out of it was not just that we need to become the media, but that we need to become the medium - through actions and words. I came to realize that i do still want to use blogging as a tool for postive social change, but how?

That’s when yesterday’s conversation with a family friend completed the search and allowed for some major shifting. I deal with manic depression, but i’ve never completely bought in to the diagnosis that it could only be cured with medication. That’s not to diss on those that use meds, i say do what you need to in order to stay alive and i recognize that severity is different for different people. But i’ve managed over the last decade to be able to gain more and more control of postponing depression by recognizing and calming the mania. I was occassionally able to convince myself that even though i never had completely control, i was still not helpless.

I had a major realization (an oh-shit moment, if you will) in yesterday’s conversation, and it all started with talking about my outburst towards Unlisted on Ally Work. For those that are unfamiliar, i got tired of all the things that unlisted was saying in the comments, so i said something along the lines of “you are banned from this discussion because racism spews from your mouth like diarrhea.” i received a few emails saying that my choice of words was unneccessary and that i should reconsider them if i want my point to be heard. So i rescinded my words and apologized, while maintaining that unlisted was still banned. When the friend heard this, she threw down her book, stopped me and said “why do you feel the need to apologize? If someone’s an asshole, you have the right to call them an asshole, if they’re a shit, they’re a shit. You don’t need to handle the shit like it smells good! Call it shit and walk around it.” We then talked about why it is that i feel like i have to make everyone happy. In doing so, i often deny myself emotions, especially anger and happiness. Funny that the two would be connected, but they are.

In the course of our conversation, it became obvious that apologizing was not the only way that i have been denying myself the ability to feel. The friend pointed out that i tend to carry the weight of the world’s sorrows on my shoulders. She asked, “what are the things you are unhappy about in the world.” I let out a little laugh to signify how overwhelmed i was at having to decide where to begin. “Just name some,” she continued.

“I don’t know,” i said. “Too many. Let’s see, genocide, rape, hunger, war, destruction of the environment, torture, violence….”

“Ok, stop.” She asked, “how many of these things do you control?”

“Control? None, i guess. But….”

“No buts. If you do not control them, why do you let them control you?” She interrupted.

Why do i let such things control me? After nearly two hours of talking, it became clear to me that i have internalized the belief that because there is so much suffering in the world, that i cannot be happy until all is well. But there are a few problems with this: 1) there will always be suffering in the world in my lifetime, 2) by viewing others’ lives and struggles as sorrowful, i am, in a way, patronizing them, and 3) i was once again externalizing my own happiness, believing that others’ happiness is the only thing that could make me happy. Let’s break this down piece by piece fairly briefly.

1) If i maintain the belief that i can feel joy only when the world is free, then i will die in misery. So my happiness and joy must not be pre-conditioned.

2) I hate to compare humyn and non-humyns, but i’m reminded of why i’m annoyed with what i call the ‘cute and fuzzy’ animal rights activists. You know, the ones that are animals rights activists because “look at how cute and innocent they are.” Its patronizing. Can you imagine if White folks decided that the only reason that people of color deserved liberation was because “they’re so cute and cuddly?” Its feeding in to the belief of the White Man’s Burden, the paternalistic idea that the world is split between savior and saved, rescuer and rescued, liberator and liberated. By subconsciously extracting myself from other oppressed people, i was following the same paternalistic pattern. So i must not look at it in terms of liberator and liberated, but as an united act of liberation. If i cannot free myself, i am no use to any movement for a better world.

3) I’ve written before about externalizing beauty, sexiness, and acceptance. This is no different. No one can set us free. No one can make us happy or powerful or beautiful. It is only i who can do that for me. My role is not to do it for others, but to free myself and to stand as a free persyn with others who wish to be free, to feel joy and happiness together.

The time spent this weekend with sky, bfp, and nubian helped me to realize that we can be surrounded by shit and still be free enough to laugh. That is what i want to create. And that is what i will do. So what does this mean for me, as vegankid? Several things. Let’s list a few:

• my writing will focus on what it is that i want to create, not what i want to destroy. i will focus on joy, not hatred.
• i will give up the idea that everything i write about must be overtly political. To speak from the margins, to raise our voice and deny our death is beyond politics and is, by far, the most beautiful act i can think of. So i will allow myself the freedom to just write.
• i will be giving up this address in due time. i believe that i will create a new blog with a new name at a new address, but for now, i will focus my time and energy on Taking Place.
• i’ll be doing a lot of “DIY” blogging and breaking it down into several areas: health, cooking, urban gardening, around the house, and just for fun.
• i am experimenting with podcasting in hopes of creating a weekly newsradio show. i’ll be posting it at Taking Place.
• i’m not going to engage everyone who comes onto Ally Work. instead, i will decide for myself who i feel truly cares about creating a better world and who merely cares to debate. i will no longer drain my energy on conversations that i know have no end. i will work with allies and no one else.

Those are what come to mind. This weekend reminded me what is necessary to create community - trust. It was incredible to see how four strangers who met through the internet could get together and have so much fun, to be so in sync. It was nice to have a sense of trust, even if it is an awkward one. I now realize that to have that sense of community, i must allow myself to trust, not just that others have my back, but that if i allow myself to feel joy, then i am far more effective in this process that some call activism and that i prefer to call life.

So my online presence, from this day forth, will be a conscious act of creation, beauty, praxis and poetry. Cuz one thing i learned at this conference is that i have not allowed enough poetry in my life.

More to come. For now, some words from naima of climbing poeTree:

I wonder if land feels stepped upon
If sand feels insignificant
If trees need to question their lovers
to know where they stand

If branches waver in the crossroads
unsure of which way to grow
If the leaves understand they’re replaceable
and still dance when the wind blows

I wonder where the moon goes
when she is hiding
I want to find her there
and watch the ocean
spin from a distance
listen to her
stir in her sleep

effort gives way to existence

from Being Human