Dear diary,

One of the things i love about the blogosphere is that when you’re feeling like you’re alone, it as easy as a few clicks of the button to know you ain’t. I’m having kinda a shitty day. Nothing extraordinarily shitty, just your average shitty day. Most working folks will know what i’m talking about. Its the day(s) that comes up every month, usually around the 1st. Yup, the day when you are watching every fucking penny because you just paid rent, bills, and bought a week’s worth of groceries that have to last you at least two.

But since i work for myself, i’m not as regular as others. I’m about a week late. Partly cuz i didn’t pay my rent until the 5th (i was really pushing it last minute to come up with the security deposit), partly cuz banks like to fuck over folks with no money, partly cuz we need a good ol’ fashioned mutiny against landlords, and partly cuz i fucked up my money management (again). I know, that’s a lot of parts. But i like cooking and i’m not one for measuring cups and shit, so i use parts (you know, 1 part flour, 2 parts sugar).

Not a lot stresses me out. But money always has. I don’t know why i let it get to me so much, but it does. Ok, that’s a lie. I know why it gets to me, i just don’t wanna talk about it right now. So let’s go through those parts instead.

Don’t get me started on the fucked up concept of rent. Its expensive and i pay a lot of it now that i finally got sick of years and years of doing other people’s dishes and cleaning up their beer bottles. I pay even more (in the form of deposits) cuz i live with animals and cuz i don’t have good credit.

I mismanaged my money (again) when i forgot about the direct bill pay on my car insurance (for a vehicle i no longer have). The company charged my old bank account (which i keep forgeting to close) and because there was no money in that account, i got a $35 overdraft fee. That really never made any sense to me. “You don’t have any money, so give me money!!!” That’s why i left the fuckers. No heart. I’m now with a local credit union that actually seems to care a little. If i overdraft on that account, they give me some cusion time to pay it. And if i don’t, its a $5 overdraft fee. Banks make SHITLOADS of money. They don’t need to be making poor folks poorer by charging us a ton of money we ain’t got and then making our credit all bad so we have to pay higher deposits, premiums, rates, etc. In my honest opinion, banks are good for one thing - campfires. There, i said it.

I won’t get into the landlord thing completely, just the part that applies to this particular day. You see, i was two months late on my phone bill so this morning they shut it off. Because i am a freelance web developer and i’m in the middle of finding clients, i need a way to talk to people. Well a few months ago i finally got around to asking my last landlord in NC for the return on my pet deposit ($100). This morning, i finally received my answer. But the letter went to my mom’s house since i didn’t know where i was gonna be living when i originally wrote the letter. My mom called me to say that a letter had come. i recognized the name and just assumed it was my check. So i used the $100 i thought i was about to receive later today to pay my phone bill. I figured i could easily go a weekend with no money. I’ve gone much longer.

Well my mom came down and gave me the letter. No check. Here is what it said:

“Neither Lara nor I received the deposit to which you refer. If you have proof you provided Lara or myself with a check for the deposit please send a copy and I will review it.”

GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGPRICKASSPIECESOFSHIT!!!! That was my response. So what did i do? Well i got online and looked at my account history. Sure enough, there it was. Check #533. But here’s the problem - because its so old, i can no longer print a free copy off the internet. No, i gotta PAY MONEY to have the fuckers at the bank send me a copy of the check so that i can buy a mother fucking stamp and send it to the pricks in New Jersey and say “now gimme my money, dick!” So now i spent $100 without knowing when my next paycheck will be.

Don’t feel bad for me, tho. I just bought a new computer. Granted, i bought it using a payment plan, but you can’t feel bad for someone who just bought a new computer. Besides, i’ve got food in my fridge, a neighbor who gives me a ridiculous amount of tomatoes, and i just found a nearby grocery dumpster (i may go visit after i’m done writing this), as well as a couple of pear trees and an apple tree. And there is a rad food pantry here if the dumpsters run dry. I’ve got a few leads on potential clients and my phone is working again, so i’ll be fine. But this roller coaster ride of emotion attached to class wears me out. I’d be fine living hand-to-mouth if the majority of what was in my hand wasn’t going to a bank or a landlord or an insurance company. I’ve got a pitchfork, who’s ready for mutiny? Ooh, i just heard gunshots, sounds like i got a neighbor that’s ready for mutiny, too.

So that’s what had me stressed out all day. I feel better just getting it off my chest, but it also felt good when i got online and found this great post from bfp about being poor and being trans and piny’s wonderful follow-up. Its great to hear other people talking about class and how it affects their lives. Its especially nice to hear trans identity mixed into that conversation. I’ll be sure to add my two cents over at these discussions, but i had to get this out first.